Dysfunction of a Divided Home – Part One

Ashley
Jan 24, 2017
5 min read

“If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” – Mark 3:25

Perfect Relationships are Only for the Big Screen

Every relationship will see its share of problems and/or be divided at some point. Our goal is to avoid this situation thus the reason why relationships take so much work. There are several contributing factors, however, I can single handily point my finger at 3 of them; Children, Communication and Finances. Two of these factors alone will ruin any relationship you have; be it family, friends, spouses or business relationships. We don’t seek out these relationships just to ruin them, we all want to maintain a healthy relationship and in order to do that we must educate ourselves on how it’s best to approach and solve these issues as well as avoid conflict in the future.

Divide and Conquer

The Latin algorithm “Divide and Conquer” essentially aims to gain and maintain power, power in itself is a simple form of control. The algorithm, divided in three parts as divide, Conquer and Combine; means dividing any big “problem” into smaller problems [simply to make our life easier], solve the individual problems and combine the solution of the smaller problems (if necessary) to get the solution of the bigger problem.

The Parent Trap – Our Miniature Dictators

Parenting just isn’t easy and probably the reason I drink! I’m not kidding! When I met Letari and he told me he had 5 daughters, I really didn’t see it

being a HUGE deal. My mind was in some dorm room la la land apparently as I pictured pillow fights, baking, mani/pedis and braiding each others hair while we watching Pitch Perfect.. Huh… (chuckle).. Well…. That didn’t go as planned now did it! Every weekend is like Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Undertaker are battling it out in every room of the house, add hormones to the mix and we are two nuts shy of a psych ward! Don’t get me wrong there are plenty of great times, but finding a way for the kids to “get along” is a struggle we have yet to accomplish. Like many of you reading this, I am learning as we go. Letari and I parent differently as he is a little more relaxed than I; we credit my OCD for that one. Everything must be neat and tidy and he sees it as kids being kids… this progresses from frustration to conflict in 0.6 seconds on my part.

Divide

To be successful we must be intuitive with how a child’s little mind works. If you aren’t careful or in communication with your partner, your children will use “divide and conquer” in their favor by playing both sides and we all know how that will play out. So, because the theory alone isn’t best in this kind of situation we can still use it to devise a plan of action.. right? Believe it or not but children do in fact need structure and discipline, they rely it. To divide one BIG problem in to sub sections, try building your foundation (step by step) and allow it to build you up to your solution.

Step 1:

Post clear, concise and concrete household rules (as well as stating the consequences) in a high traffic area where they will be noticed by everyone. Keep in mind household rules do not have to be limited to chores and responsibilities, be sure to include behavioral rules as well. Financial rewards do not teach discipline rather an expectation; when a child is not rewarded they will stop abiding altogether. The goal is for us parents to teach our children other ways to cope with situations such as tone and attitude, this will help balance out the household.

Step 2:

Behavioral Rule: Can’t we all just get along? The answer would be yes, because face it they really aren’t going to have a choice anyways. Not all children are meant to get along as their personalities clash or they just simply don’t like each other, tough sh*t! Redirect the children to the household rules, let them know if they can not play together then they must find something to do on their own; encourage individual play, turn taking or if they need to cool off a bit take a walk, ride a bike or exercise . If arguments continue reinforce (yet again) the expectations once more; give the children an opportunity to express

their frustrations by explaining their thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful manner. Once they have communicated the problem, give them an alternative to how they could have handled the situation giving them an understanding on the right and wrong way of expressing themselves. It is important for us as parents to reiterate to our children that we may not like each other but we are family and will respect each other, at some point they will have to accept one another as family is all we truly have. I often threaten our children by putting them in a “together shirt” until they learned how to speak to one another. My mom used to have us stand nose-to-nose, that threat was effective because my sister had the worst breath ever!! There was no argument worth that punishment!

Step 3:

Give them a choice, provide options and alternatives. This is something that has not yet been perfected but has made a difference in parenting my children. Explaining to a child that they have a choice allows them to feel as though they have a voice; even though they need direction, children don’t want to be forced to do things… it is all just a matter of psychology. Once they understand that there is a positive and/or negative consequence to their choice they will begin to think before reacting. A great way to explain this concept is negative action = negative reaction/positive action = positive reaction; simply meaning if you chose to not comply with the rules then you miss out on an activity you otherwise would have enjoyed or following the household rules and being respectful will give you 30 minutes more of TV or an extended curfew. Some parents want to allow natural consequences but in my opinion that just comes back to bite us in the butt; try giving them fair warning of the consequences this way they know what to expect and there is no surprises. Always, always, always be consistent and follow through; the moment that you don’t you’ve thrown all your hard work out the window and your children will simply begin testing the waters as they see you only enforcing the rules some of the time.

Step 4:

Observational learning, it could make or break you. If you are familiar with studies like the “Bobo Doll” then you will understand what this term really means. It honestly doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. From birth we are programmed to learn from our surroundings, we mimic words spoke to us and copy the actions of those around us. Children are still learning, are naturally curious and imitate their surroundings. They can not simply change how they react and respond if you aren’t willing to make changes yourself. We understand you’re the adult and you’re in charge but your children can’t change how they respond if you don’t. This requires us to watch how we speak and react to situations, modeling positive response as well as appropriate behavior.

Step 5:

Ask questions, be positive and show acceptance. Just like children need discipline and structure they need praise and assurance as well. Allow your children to openly communicate and ask them open-ended questions; accept and acknowledge how they are feeling, keep eye contact, do not interrupt, hear them out and make conversations a priority. Trust is a huge factor in communication; feed them both and they shall grow, positive action = positive reaction!