No Strings Attached

Ashley
Feb 3, 2017
11 min read

Abuse is a pattern of physical, emotional, sexual, economic abuse and/or controlling behaviors. The most common kind of abuse is and can be both physical and sexual, but does not limit the capability of the abusers intentions. It is common for victims to be subject to emotional abuse as well as intimidation and control.

How does one begin to fully describe the amount of pain and destruction they endured over almost a decade of emotional, psychological and physical abuse? Every relationship, holiday, birthday and gathering was ruined... Our children unable to be themselves... As informative and helpful as I would like to be I don't want to lose the attention of my readers yet I want people to understand where I have come and testify that a better life exists. There are many victims out there without a voice and in desperate need for advocacy. Today, I share my story in hopes to inspire those silenced by violence to speak up and break the vicious cycle of abuse. This is only the beginning...

Just One Way Out

As I laid in my bed atop a pillow drenched from my tears - covers pulled high above my head, I felt as though I finally understood the pain that drove people to end their lives. I was a prisoner in my own life, a puppet and disgrace to my existence.. I dreaded every waking day in which god continued to test my strength; (god) having faith in a part of me I never knew existed! "Why!? Why continue to allow me to suffer?" I knew there was no way I could end my own life, not because I didn't have the courage but because of my children... What would happen to them? How long would they grieve? I couldn't bear the thought of answering these questions as my children meant everything to me and I wanted to see them grow. Resentment inside grew deeper and stronger with each passing day, hating the fact I was trapped in misery, wishing each day a miracle would happen and take me from the miserable life I was living.

For the majority of my young adult life I sought for acceptance in someone who would show me love and loyalty, someone who I could spend my life with. Seeking something that only brought constant heartache and insecurity; loving men that only loved themselves and whoever they could lay next to in the moment. In 2006 I felt as though this might have finally ended... a feeling I'd soon realize was just a facade; only almost a decade too late. Little did I know I would spend the next 10 years of my life wishing it would end...

It's Always Cute in The Beginning

It was just another typical Friday night, rushing to meet my friends after work to dance and party the night away. As we walked into the door I caught the attention of a man who had the most amazing eyes, I didn't dare speak so I proceeded through security with my friends and followed our typical routine. Throughout the night he'd walk past our table glancing over but never speaking a word; my friend, being the curious cat she was, decided to engage in conversation and felt at liberty to inform him I found him attractive. His response was rather ignorant in which I just excused his bad boy demeanor and accepted the invitation to talk. He wasn't your "typical" gentleman, more so arrogant, entitled and narcissistic. Unsure of pursuing anything with him I ignored his calls over the next several days, eventually caving to his persistence and charm and began dating shortly after.

Just a few short months into the new relationship I found myself changing, developing behaviors I would have never gained before. I became irritable.. fast.. began disciplining my daughter more, spanking her often, closing myself off from family and friends... especially those in which he did not approve of and found myself feeling alone and depressed. In July, just 5 months into our relationship I became pregnant. Although I was thrilled, it didn’t seem as though he felt the same. I called to share my excitement and received a hesitant and rushed reply. Later that week I drove to his apartment; as I sat on the couch waiting for him, his laptop which laid open beside me, chimed frequently as messages came through. I glanced over and one particular message caught my eye. “If I bought you a ring, would you wear it?” a message written to his ex and mother to his 9 month old son. I was angry, embarrassed, hurt and betrayed. As I gathered my belongings and walked down the hall to my car, he followed. Once in the garage he barricaded my car as to ensure I couldn’t leave and proceeded to argue the events that just took place. With no way to leave I picked up the phone and attempted to call for help; an action which frustrated him even more. He reached in to take the phone from my hand and we began to struggle; I gripped the phone as tightly as I could as it was the only security I had left but his strength was no match for me. I pleaded for him to give me the phone or move his truck so that I could just leave, a request he refused and began walking in to the building and returned to his apartment. I needed to find help; I gathered what I had left, locked the doors to my car and walked down the garage to a payphone which sat by the bus stop across the street and dialed 911. Just 5 months in, our first domestic violence was reported.

The "Empty" Promise of Change

After the arrest and constant calls from the jail he promised something like this would never happen again. Being the first time, I took his word despite the plea from family and friends to just walk away. Over the next few years we lived life on and off an emotional roller coaster. Despite learning of his infidelities and constant confrontation from other women, multiple children, lies, deceit, job after job and many long exhausting arguments I remained foolish and stayed with a man who clearly didn't love me. Trying to understand what I was doing wrong, I remained hopeful that our situation was typical and would change for the better. Not in this lifetime! For almost a decade my children and I were subject to his bipolar mood swings and emotional abuse; my children watched as he tore me down to almost nothing, being drug from the living room - his hands gripped tightly around my neck - shoving me backwards into the sink until my head rested above the disposal, publicly humiliated as he threatened to throw me from the 25th floor of the hotel in front of close family and friends, wiping the tears from my daughters cheeks after being thrown down the stairs and listening to my son scream and beg as his father spanked him repeatedly.

As time went on things progressively got worse but hadn't quite come close to reaching its peak. There was never any hopes of escaping, no matter where we sought refuge he was there. Ignoring the constant concern from family and friends, I refused to believe I was a victim and continued to defend the actions of a man who had only his best interests at heart. As he started to become more physical so did his controlling behaviors. He would begin to watch closely to who I connected with and for how long; deciding who I could and could not have in my home which often included family. This drove me away from my family and I became even more distant and secluded than before. I felt as though I lost my voice and any will power I had left in me. At this point, I understood we weren't going anywhere. Despite every opportunity I gave him to leave he never would. We'd spend the rest of our lives walking on eggshells, not knowing what would or wouldn't set him off , keeping our relationships with friends and family at a distance. Our only way out... til death do us part. This is not the life I wanted for my children, they were suffering... becoming negative and unrecognizable; becoming the exact replica of a man we grew to loathe.

Your Power lies Within Your Faith

So many times he threatened to take the children and make my life miserable, as if it wasn't already. Not having the strength and understanding I complied because I couldn't bear the thought of losing my children; especially to a man who couldn't support them financially nor emotionally. It was easier to give him what he wanted then to subject myself to more torment. In my eyes this man was capable of bringing my whole world down, putting me behind bars through his lies and fabricated stories, taking literally everything I had from me while turning my children, friends and family against me. Had I been aware of the resources available we could have left this life behind a long time ago. God has a plan for us all, something we don't always believe but must understand. We might not know why, or how... but faith is knowing that God won't truly give you what you can't handle; the exact reason we call it faith.

Two years ago, March 28, 2015, my mom re-married; after a long day and beautiful reception our friends and family, despite their reservations, gathered to celebrate and dance the night away. Everyone in the party prepared themselves for some kind of drama, as it was to be expected but did what they could to enjoy themselves. While everyone mingled he pulled me to the dance floor; you could almost cut the tension with a knife. As he gripped me on the dance floor he began squeezing my ribs. Despite my plea to stop he continued to squeeze harder, smiling awkwardly as if it were a joke. I was able to relieve his grip, walked off the floor to the table and gathered my things. I rushed out of the venue and began walking alone to my car in which he quickly followed behind me, taking the phone from my hands as I tried to message my party. We reached the car and began arguing; my friends, who realized I had left came rushing out to our feud. After argument and a physical struggle we were all able to get into the car and begin our way home. As we drove towards home he continued to fight from the back seat, opening the door of the car, threatening to jump out. Not knowing what else to do I called the Highway Patrol who remained on the phone; once stopped at a red light he got out of the car and began to walk the rest of the way home. The officer, who was still connected, dispatched several patrol officers to my home as well as officers from the local station with my ex tucked in the back seat their car. It seemed like the longest night of my life! For hours they stood at my front door as my ex ransacked the house; emptying drawers and boxes, throwing everything I practically owned onto the floor and coming in and out of the house throwing childlike tantrums. My friends and I just sat on the couch, wishing so badly we could just go to sleep but worried about our children who were sleeping in the bedrooms downstairs. After 5 long hours my ex removed himself from the home, with assistance from police, along with some of his belongings. I had never felt more relieved in my life! God had just given us the most amazing gift... freedom!

The storm wasn't yet over, but was the beginning to our end. That following Monday, with the support of my mom, I headed to the courthouse to file for a protective order. We had just barely cleared security when after gathering our belongings, glanced up to see my ex standing... waiting... outside the doors to the library. Trembling at his presence we explained our situation to the bailiff and asked that he be escorted out. With no luck my mom and I gathered our things and drove to the courthouse on the other end of town where I was granted temporary orders. Over the next few years he would repeatedly violate numerous protective orders, repeated domestic violence in the presence of children, forcible entry, parental manipulation, constant threats against my life and those around me (including the lives of other peoples children), stalk my house, job and any known whereabouts, provoke fights with friends and tamper with cars that sat outside my home... He just wasn't giving up, the more he lost control the more desperate and insecure he became.

Just after a year I began dating Letari and things became serious quickly. A man who knew nothing of my past quickly became my protector without any hesitation, staying some nights to ensure my kids and I were safe; watching over us, protecting us from the man we all feared. Even after all the

harassment, fighting, threats and drama; he stayed by our side and supported us through every emotional breakdown, every court date and every struggle... My children and I, for once, felt safe and protected. The kids were becoming themselves; my son, although filled with anger and resentment toward his father, started to smile again and expressed the joy he felt in the relationship he was developing with Letari. Now that the dust has settled and have had no contact with my ex for over a year, everyone in the house is happy again. As we continue to succeed in healing and find our true self again, we find ourselves constantly smiling because life is finally worth living!

Win Always, Concede Never - There is Hope

Lack of finance and shelter are among the most discouraging to victims trying to escape abuse. Even if you lack the support within your circle of family and friends it is important to know that there are programs and groups out there that can help. The intentions of an abuser are not always calculated and often times their actions are based off emotion, insecurity and fear which poses an even greater threat to victim(s). Although I lack faith in law enforcement and the judicial system - based solely off the lack of advocacy, communication and representation from the social workers, attorneys, victims advocates, prosecutors and detectives during my proceedings; I still recommend that violence be reported. It is imperative that you establish an order for your protection not to mention a legal defense and the opportunity for a way out. These orders aren't always a guarantee of your protection which is why it is important for you to reach out to establish a support system, stand your ground and contact local chapters/shelters for help and refuge if necessary; taking all the proper measures to ensure the safety and well-being of your family. Because abusive traits and behaviors aren't always presented in the beginning it is important to know the warning signs and what to look for; being able to recognize these behaviors is your first opportunity to end it - saving yourself emotional and physical distress. If you aren't sure or don't understand the warning signs consider seeking advice from someone close to you, a religious counselor, friend, medical professional or by calling the domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233.

By choice, not by chance - Red Flags and Potential Signs of an Abuser:

Extreme persistence, controlling, possessive and manipulative behavior
Intimate control and domination
Extreme and/or unreasonable jealousy
Forceful, aggressive and unpredictable behavior
Lack of emotional stability, self-control and/or accountability
Verbal or threats of physical violence and/or history of violence
Any attempt to isolate you from family or friends
Sabotage your self-esteem, confidence and independence
Limiting access to finances, transportation and support
Coercive control

"Love is many things, but it is never deceitful. Nothing toxic comes from genuine love. Remember that."

Your value doesn't decrease based on someones inability to see your worth; love shouldn't hurt and you deserve to find someone who makes you happy. Less than half of domestic violence cases are reported to the authorities. If fear is the only reason you don't report abuse or if you know of someone who is a victim of abuse report these incidents to your local authorities or call the National Domestic Violence hotline anonymously at 800-799-7233. Resources are available in each state to assist with your financial and housing needs, contact your local Workforce office for information on resources and/or to apply for help.