Dysfunction of a Divided Home – Part Two

Ashley
Jan 25, 2017
6 min read

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. – Matthew 12:25

Yours, Mine and Ours

We can’t fight the feeling of true love or even love in general. Best advice anyone can seem to give is to get to know your mate first; sometimes our emotions take over and as human beings our actions are based primarily off emotion. It’s natural, this is why the phrase “We all make mistakes” and “We live and we learn” came into play.

Most little girls dream of meeting and falling in love with her knight in shining armor; if you’re lucky enough to find Prince Charming then you want to do whatever it is to keep him as well as maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Welcome to reality, population of zero! Communication, financial struggle and compatibility along with trust, staleness, priorities and many others are among the top 10 reasons relationships fail. That should come as no surprise as we tend to let our emotions and life consume our relationships with others. I never in my life imagined meeting my Prince and sure as hell never thought twice about marriage until out of nowhere my Prince appeared. I don’t know about you but I am not willing to let this fail, I will fight with every amount of energy in my body until there is nothing left. Quitting is for losers, which is exactly why I haven’t given up chocolate yet either!

“Pray for your mate. Ask God to soften your heart and show you ways to be a better spouse.”- Willie Aames

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

Relationships are complex in the fact that they will ultimately test your capacity for patience, tolerance, compromise and sacrifice, but worth every effort in the end as long as you’re willing. With all honesty I want to tell you to not give up on the relationship just yet, but I couldn’t say that with a clear conscience. You have to first determine if the relationship is worth saving; be honest with yourself and weigh the good, the bad and the ugly. Ask yourself this; Do you enjoy spending time together? Do you trust your partner? Is there equal respect? Are you fearful of your spouse? Does your relationship lack romance? Questions such as these are what I refer to as red flags . They are to help you determine if your relationship is worth saving or not. If there is no trust, fear, infidelity, or repetitive fights and arguments, then chance is you’re playing on a one man team; that whole “people can change” idea.. yeah… I am not a fan nor a believer in the least bit. Outside of that, if you still have established trust, faith, love and commitment then by all means save your relationship. Love… correction True love is hard to find! You can spend years sifting through garbage to find the right one, some of us are lucky enough to find treasure and others not so much. It is important to remember that no matter what you choose, whoever comes into your life next will most likely need “a little work” too.

Accept the differences that make us all unique.

Open The Flood Gates on Communication

The ability to read minds skipped my generation, so if you are like me we can’t begin to repair if we aren’t able to communicate the problem. To be successful you must make communication a priority; set aside time before bed after everyone and everything has settled down. Don’t be afraid to be open and honest, if you hold back and suppress your true emotions it will only fuel the fire and you will accomplish absolutely nothing. Familiarize yourself with the basic rules for communication:

Reconstruct the way you talk to each other. This would also include your body language, actions speak louder than words! Don’t enter the conversation with animosity or anger, be flexible and allow the conversation to flow, be perceptive, have patience, understanding and listen with your heart not your emotions.
Listen to understand, not to reply. Hear, understand, reflect and process. With no explanation needed listen more – speak less, allow your partner to finish (it’s called respect), bench the defense and be accepting of their feelings. Even if you don’t agree you both need to understand each others reasoning to find even ground.
Stay focused. Don’t allow yourself to lose sight on what you’re there to accomplish.
Communicate when the issue arises. Talk about money right away; Putting off communicating about conflict will only put a wedge between the two of you, it is best to address a situation when it is fresh. Keeping communication open will provide a stronger foundation for a happier and healthier relationship.

Communicating With The Inarticulate

There really is no helping the emotionally inarticulate individuals such as myself. To be successful in communicating your problems you will just need to rely on patience, and a lot of it. It’s not that we want to be right or that we feel attacked, it’s simply that we just don’t know how to express our frustrations. My weakness is finances, mainly due to life experiences but also because it is a comfort and control issue for me. I rely on consistency, schedules, routines and stability. Ultimately my frustrations are reflected from my fear, fear of losing the things that I seek comfort in and/or rely on. When I get frustrated it is mainly due to not being able to communicate those fears. If you are able to have patience and not allow the conversation to go completely left, there is hope. Take deep breaths, give reassurance, be reflecting, understanding and compromise. We lack the ability to communicate not the ability to compromise!

99 Problems… The Bank Account is All But One

You can really tell a lot about a person by the way they handle money. Loss of employment, inherited debt, liens, poor financial habits, and/or lack of motivation aren’t issues you’d normally discuss on a first date and don’t really present themselves until you are already invested in the relationship. Money is the root of all evil, unfortunately our lives revolve around it and that’s just they way it has to be. Just because we need it doesn’t mean that it has to consume and/or ruin us. Life happens and sometimes we fall behind or inherit other debt; it’s nothing that anguish, fear, stress, sorrow and grief is going to fix so why let it drag you down with it?

Let’s just be honest here, I am a control freak with a severe case of OCD! No lie! If you want to borrow .25¢ you need to come with a business and investment plan and a really good reason why you need it. With qualities like that, how the hell did I find myself in this situation? The answer, try providing for a family of 10 off $35k a year, that’s how. Christmas this last year just kind of sealed the deal with a kiss. It is 2017, I am over it. The burden of debt is a true test to a relationship, I feel like if you can overcome that and establish healthy communication then as a unit you should be able to conquer anything that life throws at you, including lemons. Which brings us back to why we are here, right now, in this very moment.

How to Train Your Partner

Not everyone comes equipped with an accountants skill set but the best part about being human is that we were blessed with the capability of language, observation and get this….. learning! The hardest part of getting started is establishing a routine, they say it takes 2 weeks to develop a habit and 2 days to break it. You have your work cut out for you.

Some people are visual and others not so much, find an approach that will work for the both of you. I recommend establishing a budget and understanding where you’re at. Feel free to check the blog in which I have linked for help on creating a budget. Once you’ve set the boundaries on a budget, provide your spouse with tools to aid him in becoming more financially stable as time progresses. This can be as simple as :

Writing debts/bills on a calendar
Cutting up his credit cards
Only allowing so much cash allowance each pay period
Reducing monthly obligations
Keeping track of spending i.e. ledger book or… they have an app for that

Pull Your Relationship From The Pits

If you have found hope and are seeing a brighter side to your troubles then we’ve accomplished our goals. You won’t find success in your financial woes if you aren’t able to master communication, it is as simple as that. You have to establish communication before discussing your financial problems. Once this has been accomplished then you can move on to creating a savings, paying down debt and overcoming your hardship. I have plenty of different articles posted that will help you establish yourself financially as well as help you prepare for your financial future. Just remember these key elements: