Guilt Is The Price We Pay

Ashley
Jan 13, 2017
5 min read

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” – Queen Elizabeth II

There is no loss easy to bear in life and guilt happens to be the most painful and powerful emotion in dealing with the loss of a loved one. It has been said that until one has loved an animal a part of one’s soul remains unawakened. That couldn’t ring any more truth; I have never truly been a strong animal lover until I adopted my dog Kane, something about him stole my heart. He was beautiful, mellow and a great protector. He came into my life at a point when I needed strength the most, Kane became that and more. From day one he protected and loved me and my children, accepted Sariyah’s unique sense of bonding and didn’t budge at her poking, screaming or eccentric curiosity. On January 5th, 2017, just hours before the day of my birth, we lost our gentle giant due to unexpected and unknown reasons. Initially, the first emotion we begin to feel is shock and when that starts to wear off we are hit with guilt, anger and pain… unbearable pain, all at the same time. I couldn’t help but blame myself for not being able to do more; as he laid there I tried to do compression’s, pleading… begging god to bring my baby back to us. In my mind he wasn’t gone and there still was a chance, even though he lay there motionless and breathless. I just wasn’t ready to let go. Nothing we say or do will change what truly is, that is something we have to accept; we simply have to find peace within ourselves, seek spiritual guidance, have faith in prayer and know that one day you will be together again; as for me, I had to accept and let go. Not always as easy as it sounds.

Before this, I never understood why people were so emotional over their pets. Don’t get me wrong, I felt empathy when an animal was hurt or passed but never affected me the way it did them; I just felt bad is all. Now that I am here… In this very moment, I haven’t felt this much pain and emptiness since the passing of my sister and grandmother in 2012. We suffered quite a few losses in this last year alone, none of which were expected and made accepting very hard.. especially those we lost during the holidays. With each loss, instead of getting easier, it has gotten harder to support and

comfort those dealing with such loss as we are struggling to heal within ourselves. They say time heals all wounds, however, it feels as though once we begin to heal from one tragedy we are faced with another. How exactly are we supposed to heal with constant loss? Honestly!? As I found myself finally being able to think of Kane without crying hysterically – it came time to pick his ashes up from Major Street Pet Services, a place in which we entrusted in the cremation of our gentle giant. On January 12, 2017, with Kane placed gently on my lap, we brought our pup home where he could be with his family once more. In the embellished bag which held his urn, sat a card for Kane, in the card was a certificate and a memorial keepsake the company had made for us sealed with a special part of him, his paw print. Next to his print was a poem titled “Rainbow Bridge”; ironically this was the same poem a coworker had sent me after learning of our loss, a poem that helped her when she had lost a pet and at that time I had refused to read it because I was still too hurt and angry. As I began reading this, I couldn’t help but cry, stopping periodically to gather myself so that I may finish the passage. Afterwards, part of me felt relief and acceptance where as other parts remained broken, empty and hurt. I could only hold hope that wherever my sweet Kane was, he was healthy and happy and eagerly waiting for us to reunite.

Life can…will… must go on!

The only advise I could honestly give is to first and foremost, understand grief as people all grieve differently and the emotion itself is a complicated one. Most of this will come in stages; such as denial, anger, guilt, depression and in time acceptance, progression and resolution. What you’re going through can not be rushed but can be mended with support and prayer. In order for you to heal and progress you have to accept what is and confront your pain head on. Suppressing these emotions only prolongs the pain and makes it harder to heal in the end, meanwhile allowing room for more hurt, pain and guilt. Life must go on, in order to achieve resolution we must accept. Find some

way or someone who you can talk to, talking is a great way to express your feelings and emotions as well as to heal. As hard as it may be you have to get back to life including your every day routines. I still find myself going to let Kane out, to feed him or even picking up food at the store. Life must go on.. Your life will be normal once again, i promise. Whichever healthy way you chose to move on, just know you have support in what you’re going through; I assure you that you will laugh and smile once again!

Knowing

If I had known that on that day our time was near the end I would have done things differently, my forever friend. I would have stayed right next to you deep into the night

but I thought I’d see you in the early morning light.

And so I said “Good night” to you as I walked in through the door

never thinking of the time when I’d see you no more. But if I had known that on that day our time was at the end I would have done things so differently, my forever friend.

– Sally Evans

To the members of Major Street Pet Services,

On behalf of my children, Kane, Letari “Boston” and I; we thank you for all of your support during this difficult time. You showed a considerable amount of compassion, professionalism, respect and understanding throughout this entire process. From the moment we arrived with Kane you were supportive and assisted to our needs. You not only provided your support but treated us with respect; for that I am thankful. You provided an opportunity to say our final goodbyes and were respectful in our time spent with him, not only that but your pup gave Kane his own touch of love and support. I couldn’t begin to thank you enough for your gentleness as well as your support and services provided.

You are truly wonderful,

Ashley Larsen